By T W Coombs
The question is can you live in a tube with four people? I shall explain. Summer holidays in the UK don't usually involve much sunshine, cheap beer or having to change your money up into any currency. But it can involve water sports, well, I say sports more of a boating jolly. Was it a huge yacht with staff and taking control of the open seas I hear you cry? No, it wasn't it was a forty foot canal boat on the not so open Warwickshire canals, the Grand Union heading south to be precise.
The question is can you live in a tube with four people? I shall explain. Summer holidays in the UK don't usually involve much sunshine, cheap beer or having to change your money up into any currency. But it can involve water sports, well, I say sports more of a boating jolly. Was it a huge yacht with staff and taking control of the open seas I hear you cry? No, it wasn't it was a forty foot canal boat on the not so open Warwickshire canals, the Grand Union heading south to be precise.
After
this ten minute refresh and ankle rest we were back on our way and I even hit
70 mph, for about ten minutes, but I got back down to 10 mph which went on
until I left the M11 after another two hours, and with only 20 minutes to go,
through towns and villages, so not twenty minutes at all. So after just shy of four and a half hours in
the car, we triumphantly arrived at the boatyard where we could take control of
a forty foot boat to cruise the canals of Warwickshire. Not before we unloaded the car.
A week in the UK involves a standard weekend bag, and a bag
with tablet, camera and other electronic devices and one with towels and
toiletries, so all set for me. My girlfriend has come with same size bag you could go away for a fortnight with and a couple of
extra pieces of luggage with what she couldn't fit in the main huge walk in
suitcase (I exaggerate, very slightly).
This is the normal differences between man and woman kind but we are
about to set out on a boat with, if turned into a square, less room as a bedsit
in central London that already has ten people living in it. I would advise
packing light and in a container that can be squished down and stored easily.
Finally the time had come, it had been raining so the whole
deck was soaked and all five of us including the Dog were on our vessel and a
little old fella was ready to show us the boat.
Firstly checking bits and starting up, I remembered none of it, actually
that is a lie I remembered what he did but the second we were on our own I
didn't remember why. But I just knew I had to do what he did and it worked out
okay. My other half and her mother were
shown how to do Locks, which was good as I couldn't have remembered all that
either, it is a lot of info in what was a small amount of time as they were ready
to close when we finally rocked up. So
through one gate we were left to our own devices. We had a basic route mapped, from a book we
had bought at the boat yard and we were churning up the crap filled canals
quicker than you could say, "we're fucked".
We survived our first night on the boat and Saturday came
with some crisp morning air and a bad back.
As you can imagine we didn't get too far the night before so we moored
up before the Sun totally disappeared and went for food and a pint or two. This was now the beginning of the first day
of boating for real. Were started off
from Braunston which to be fair is about ten minutes from where we started at
Napton, if you were walking, so about two hours on a canal boat. Braunston seemed like quite a nice village
with some really nice cottages and some very drunk people on Friday nights, so
not too dissimilar than my home town.
Now the
first challenge was getting water, you see you are on a boat and have to fill
up your fresh water tank as often as you can from taps along the route, the
issue I had was the lack of seal around the cap to said tank and the fact I was
using a muddy looking garden hose to transfer the water. I was really hoping there was a filter somewhere,
but just to think there is one, than to ask and get told no, that is what you
get, straight from the tank. So after
waiting an hour for the slowest moving old guys to fill theirs up we did ours
which took about ten minutes and we were back off on or journey to a place we
hadn't quite worked out yet.
Today
involved locks, we first thought there was five turned out the map wasn't quite
to an exact scale and was actually 12 in total, a small amount really, but
there is etiquette. We never really
found out the etiquette and just winged it.
If you decide to do this, make sure you keep away from whom I am now
calling boating snobs. Some volunteer
for the Canal and River Trust and I am sure most of them are really nice but this
one guy just got my hackles up. My other
half’s Father was steering and we easily got into the lock, it was a double so
another boat can fit if one is also coming your way, which it was. Now the women were out of the boat ready to
do the Locks, and I was on the boat trying to get the dog to stop whining,
which he wouldn't, and as this was the first Lock and someone else had to fit
in I am not surprised that we weren't 100 percent. There was a man trying to help who took the
centre line which helps you control the boat as we were veering off and another
boat needed to fit in this space. He
then looked at me and said "This should be your job" a little rudely
like it was a chore for him to help, to which I replied "maybe, never done
it before", he then replied with a stern "It involves all the
crew" all right pal keep your life jacket on FIRST TIME!! REMEMBER!! He then
went on to be rude to a six year old girl who said two more boats were coming,
"Yes I know, I saw them" just a thanks very much and a smile would
have been better. Just to save face of
the canal trust people he was the only rude one, but some do need to smile
more, you volunteer so if you don't like doing it then don't! After the initial five locks there was a
tunnel, which unlike modern tunnels has no lights and a feel of you are not
coming out alive. Many people have died
since it was first used, less these days I am sure, but the amount of noise the
dog made did make me think there would be one more fatality to add to the
list. After the 30 minutes in the tunnel
there was seven more Locks, oh joy. I
took the helm, well the rudder stick and got us through the down hill locks
like a pro, except one incident with a large tree, but saved it with the help
of ropes and pure luck.
Surprisingly it was quite tiring controlling the boat, it is 40 feet long and turns from the centre and no matter what you do will not go in a straight line, ever. But we moored anyway and ate and drank without a problem.
On Sunday we had twenty five minute walk to the nearest
shop, which was good as the sun was truly shining and we needed dinner for
Sunday night. Our route we had been
chosen was now lock free until we had to turn round and come back. Now one thing I will mention was so far
everyone was getting on but I was now a little bored. You see I had driven the boat and I had gone
through Locks and I had helped open and close locks, so what now? I see the
peaceful side of it but you don't have much to do if not driving.
The day was the day we hit the end of the line. Now it wasn't the actual end of the line but
if we had gone through the Lock at Stoke Bruerne then the map ran out and just
said, To London. So rather than get
stuck on the route to London and probably end up drifting down the Thames we
were to stay there for the night then swing round and come back. First though we had to head through the
longest tunnel in the UK, river wise the book said, which was over three
thousand metres long. It takes approx
forty minutes and once you're in you can't see the end, the only twinkling you
may see is if another boat is heading straight for you like a demon in the
darkness. This wasn't the best time for
my claustrophobia to kick in, but it did, so headphones firmly jammed in my
head and rooting myself inside the brightly lit cabin, there I stayed, until I
could see the light at the end of tunnel, literally.
Stoke
Bruerne was actually very nice and also very small. There was at pub at the end
near the lock, a canal museum and gift shop and a couple of houses, and to be
honest that was it, except the poorly positioned main road, so the quaint look
was destroyed by fast moving traffic.
Well the new modern world needs to destroy the old somehow doesn't it?
So Monday came and we had turned round and were beginning
our return journey, so back through the tunnel.
We stopped closer to the area we had to go to the shop and I got myself
a Chinese takeaway. You see I had
downloaded some movies to watch in the evenings to pass some time, which was
well planned as there is only so much I can read in one sitting.
We soon got to Wednesday and were now taking it easy as to
waste some time. We boated along at
quite a steady pace and moored up just before the junction for Coventry. There was a nice pub next to the Lock which
some amazing food, I was drunk by about 5pm and had filled my belly so much I
thought I was going to die. Another
night in for me, plus drinking early just makes me want to sleep.
Sleep
is easier said than done on a canal boat, let's just say they are not built for
comfort and ours certainly wasn't. The
put me up beds were horribly uncomfortable and even the one that was supposed
to be a bed was not comfortable and backs were hurting and sleep was being
deprived, which isn't the best thing when you are living in a tube together.
Now
Thursday started it not the way we had hoped, you see like camping at some
point you need to get the very disgusting chemical toilet emptied. The guy at the beginning failed to mention
the pumping out of shit at the time he was rushing through what to do with the
boat. Thankfully we found somewhere that
could pump it all out for you for about twenty pounds which in my mind wasn't a
bad price and saves us hoping that the tube is attached and then finding out it
is not and getting covered in our own shit.
So after holding it in for a bit we were back on our way to where we
began. And as predicted we reached our
final destination, we moored up and settled in for the night as the next
morning we were travelling home to comfort and real plumbing.
So
in conclusion, if you don’t like camping or caravanning then you won’t like
being on a canal boat. Yes it seems like
a pleasurable thing and I must admit people seem to love it, but I was not one
of them. You will get covered in crab, mud etc. it is a water based activity, you will not
be able to move or get time to yourself and for a slow moving leisurely
exercise they aren't at any level of comfort. If you haven't tried it and
really want to then go for a long weekend and not a week and be prepared to
need a massage when you get home. I took
myself and my other half to Aquamanda at Hempstead House Hotel, Bapchild near
Sittingbourne for a full body massage and it was the most comfortable and
relaxed I had felt all week.
